The actress in me...

 It has been a while since I wrote in my blog. It's been sat there staring at me. I don't think it's really any surprise as the more I write about our journey, the closer I get to having to tell you about when things took a turn for the worst, when Evelyn became so poorly that she went back into intensive care, never to come back out. 

It is not that time yet. 

I picked this up today as I am finding I am masking myself again. I am unable to articulate how I truly feel for fear of upsetting people and making them uncomfortable. Then I find myself crumpled in a heap on my kitchen floor, unable to move in my pain. 

One of the starkest things, and I suppose why I understand the importance of positive touch, is the loss of my physical bond. Those of you with children know how it feels to hold them, to cuddle them, to feel them. It's been 4 years for me. The last time I held her, she was no longer there, I just held her body. For the entire month previous I had only been able to hold her once. Such a special afternoon arranged for me by my beautiful friend and Evelyn's nurse Laurin. 

I didn't want to let go.

We never do, do we? Thats when you realise how much you can love someone, when you know you can say goodbye. You know you are facing the most unimaginative pain for the rest of your life. 

So yea I got pink hair, yea I got a distinction in my degree module, yea I learned new massaging techniques, yea I got out of bed today. None of it matters, but I tell you what I am a fantastic actress and I'll pretend to you all that it does... 

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