Bad Days

 

Today is a bad day. Trauma comes when you least expect it. 

I get these awful, vivid nightmares, often less direct than last night's, which I will come to shortly. The regular, recurring theme, is needing to do something private (that we all do privately), and not being left alone while I do. I am sure you can read between the lines. It is incredibly disturbing. In the dreams I beg to be left alone, but its as if the people disturbing me don't hear me. They aren't necessarily interacting with me, just there, going about their own business, but I am on full display.

Last night's, however, was direct. I still see elements of the nightmare vividly now. I gave birth to two baby girls, at separate times, and both just died, without warning, within hours. The reaction of everyone around me was oh well, lets crack on. I couldn't crack on. I found myself in different scenarios, throwing objects around the place in anger, very very violent anger. In the dream people would say 'Why is she not over this yet?', 'Why hasn't she moved on?', watching me, judging me. 

I woke up. I am exhausted, I feel like I haven't slept. I feel depressed and anxious. Somehow I am supposed to function. I am no longer in employed work, I am self-employed, so I have to get on with working, but my head won't allow me. Its fuzzy, closed off again, in a dark haze. I am sitting with it, but I can't help but criticise myself for being incapable. Even with everything that has happened I still beat myself up for not conforming, not fitting in with society anymore. I tried to work again, but I just didn't know how to really. Without the right support, without people around you that understand the weight of the trauma and grief you carry, it is so difficult to go along with the 'norm'. So I work for myself, doing something I love, caring for people, helping people. However, on dark days, how do you keep going? I beat myself up, thinking I don't fit anywhere anymore. 

I am told I am brave for going out on my own. My reality is I don't know what else to do. My life, as I knew it, ended the day Evelyn arrived, as does most people's when babies arrive. Mine just in a completely different way. In a way that leaves you feeling like a problem, like a ghost. People behave differently around you, even telling you they are doing it out of respect for you or your own good. Really they are making you feel like a burden, a failure. Its done from a place of love though, so I am expected to understand.

Today is a struggle.