All the emotions

 

On World Mental Health Day I thought I would reflect on many of the emotions I have felt over the past 2 and a bit years. Yesterday we visited the 'Still Parents' exhibition at The Whitworth. As part of the exhibition there were poems written by parents who had lost babies on the walls. Their words really resonated with me so I thought I would reflect on the words they used to explain my experience of existing without my beautiful Evelyn. 

The first is loneliness. Grief is incredibly lonely. In truth, all emotions are only ever felt by yourself, you can never experience how someone else feels and they cannot ever fully understand how you feel about something. When you are grieving the loneliness of your experience is amplified to the extreme. You wonder how can you carry such pain alone, walking into that deep dark pit of depression, the darkness engulfing you. That pain never leaves you, its more that you come to accept that you'll live with that pain for the rest of your life. You learn to live with it. Thing is I don't want to let go of it, its intertwined with the love I feel for Evelyn.

Next is sleep. I wanted to sleep forever, never wanting to face the next day, but going to bed to try to sleep so that I could end the present day. Being awake was just so painful and every moment I lived the more time past between the last time I smelt her, saw her beautiful eyes, felt her, experienced her. My dreams were so vivid when I slept. I am sure you don't need me to tell you that the nightmares were gut-wrenching. However, the 'nice' dreams were not much better. I eventually wake up and I am living the nightmare of being a mummy without her daughter in her arms. 

The second part of the particular poem I am referring to first captured my experience perfectly. That as well as grieving Evelyn, I must grieve the me that existed before her. I am split into before and after Evelyn. The me I have become is the person Evelyn needed and wanted. I was enough to her exactly as I am. That is something I cannot look back from now. She has given me the strength to be me, she's a part of me and I wouldn't be doing her memory justice if I lived any other life. I understand now that I can't actually control how anyone else sees me so why have I spent my life trying to be the person I thought everyone else wanted me to be. I am still discovering who I am now, but with Evelyn at the heart of that I know I cannot go wrong. 

On that note, the other poem that really spoke to me explored the burden of carrying the memory of your lost child forward. I am highly aware of carrying on the legacy of Evelyn's life. I can never know the girl and woman she would have become, but I can only hope that the changes she has made in me I am now showing the world her strength, power and beauty. It is a heavy burden to carry, but her life was such a blessing to me. I cannot put into words the privilege of knowing her and the fact that I am her mummy, I am so incredibly proud. Understanding that means I have the strength to carry the heaviness of her memory, she's carrying it with me.

To end it all was the final line 'I never thought this would be me.' I mean we never do, do we? Especially nowadays, babies don't die, children don't die, do they? They do, we are not all blessed with a long life. What is important is what we do with our lives, that we live and don't just exist. As Tolkien wrote 'Even the smallest person can change the course of the future.' What an impact you had on the world my beautiful girl. You gave me the strength to take the risk and give up my job that gave me no purpose, to find a new job, to start my own business, caring for people. Now I am thriving, helping other poorly children to truly live. Giving me purpose, life. Most importantly living to allow your legacy to shine. 

I want to leave you with something this World Mental Health Day - keep talking. I find my blog a lifeline to discuss how I feel. That may not be for you, but find your outlet. As the BT advert used to say - 'Its good to talk'.

With love.