Milk part 1 - Expressing

 

I had always wanted to breastfeed, it was one of life's experiences that I wanted. After Evelyn's operation she would be fed through a tube so if I wanted her to have milk from me I would have to express.

At first you are encouraged to generate the colostrum (for anyone not aware this is the milk the breast produces after giving birth) by massaging your breast by hand. Now when I say massage think squeezing your breast so hard that it hurts and you think it might pop. That is what I had to do - I am not aware if this is how it feels for everyone else but this was my experience. Nothing came. I would try constantly throughout the day, directly after cuddles, but still nothing. The middle of the night is the best time for lactation so I would wake myself up in the early hours, struggle to get out of bed with my sciatica plaguing my back and my core muscles having been cut open. I would sit on the toilet in the tiny, clinical bathroom of our NICU room and squeeze my breast so hard. It was such a bleak feeling. Nothing came. I cried. Evelyn had had to be brought in this world early, she needed surgery and now I couldn't even produce the milk she needed to give her the best chance at life. I felt like such a failure.

Eventually I was referred to the lactation nurse who showed me how to use the expressing machine and finally I produce a tiny amount of colostrum. From then on I expressed. Anyone who has expressed regularly will know it is a laborious task. Every time you need to wash all your equipment and sterilise it. Set it all up, hoping that one of the unit's machines is free for you to use. At first I would always go to one of the private rooms, but very quickly I stopped as I have never been shy so why did I care that people could see me?! I wanted to spend all my time with Evelyn and spending time with her should also encourage my milk production. You need your own kit which included funnels and filters, then you would connect these to sterile pots provided by NICU. Then I would sit there, attached, for usually around 20 minutes. The picture above is a good session. That is a 50ml pot. To put into context some mums would bring there expressions in and had filled 100ml pots in one session. 

My milk just wasn't really flowing so the nurses explained to me that you can get it to generate by expressing 11 / 12 times over a 24 hour period over 2 days. Usually you expect to express around 7 times in 24 hours. Those 2 days were exhausting, as I had to sleep too. So its not really 11 or 12 times in 24 hours, more like over 18/19 hours with one expression in the middle of the night. I felt like I was just permanently attached to the machines. 

I didn't give up, I felt that to give Evelyn the best chance then she needed my breast milk. Also, if I wanted to breast feed, I needed to keep going as I didn't want it to dry up. I still did not produce much. We started to mix breast milk with formula as Evelyn's nutritional requirements increased.

Eventually the NICU doctors gave me a letter to ask my GP to prescribe an anti-sickness drug to me that had the known side effect of encouraging lactation. Aly handed this in at the doctors for me and I waited. A week later I had heard nothing so I phoned them. The doctor had written back to NICU telling them to prescribe it to me. I was stunned. Lets start with the fact that neonatal doctors prescribe to neonatal babies, not adults. I didn't mind if I wasn't prescribed the drug, I completely understood my G.P.'s trepidation as the drug wasn't being prescribed for what its is actually made for. However, what I will never understand is why the G.P surgery didn't call me and explain this to me, that I had to call them up to ask what had happened. I felt so uncared for and alone. When I got off the phone to the receptionist I just broke down, for a few minutes. Then gathered myself and went back to the side of my beautiful girl. I needed to stay strong for her.

After a few weeks of expressing my nipples started to crack and my god the pain was awful, especially when a few hours later the raw, sore nipples would be pumped again. Every time the pump started it was like someone stabbed me. I found out that I hadn't been measured and that there were different sizes of funnels. So another nurse looked after me and sorted me out with new funnels that definitely improved the pain. 

Eventually I gave up expressing when Evelyn was around 9 weeks old. I produced so little milk that we were now feeding her majority formula with just a little of mine. She needed me more than she needed my milk. I still felt so guilty for stopping, questioning myself, accusing myself of stopping for selfish reasons and not for her. I felt so much shame that I could never produce enough milk to sustain her. I understand now that having Evelyn before my body was ready to and the stress I was under in general at the time was the likely cause. Knowing the facts doesn't always necessarily help though. I have a strange relationship with my breasts now. I feel that they let Evelyn down when she needed them the most.