Hiding behind a smile...

I think it is incredible how much you can hide behind a smile. 

I was waiting for a bed to be prepared on the ward for me, feeling numb. I would need two steroid injections, 24 hours apart, to encourage the development of my baby's lungs. Your lungs are the last part of your body to form when you are in the womb so, as our baby was arriving 8 weeks early, intervention was required to give baby the best possible chance of survival. I had been warned that the steroid injections are particularly painful and they are administered to fleshy part of the lower back. The midwife took me back into the room where I had had my scan for the first injection before I moved to the ward. I was so anxious. I had no idea how painful this was going to be and I felt very shaky and sick. Aly was by my side, holding my hand. I did make it known how nervous I was to the midwife whose response I have never forgotten: "Now come on, you want your baby to be ok don't you?" I look back now and think how much shame she put on me in that moment. I don't say this as an attack on her, she could have been having a terrible day, someone could have upset her, but in that moment I felt awful. I was entitled to feel scared, nothing can prepare you for a moment where you find out that the life of your baby is so at risk that you need to give birth 8 weeks in advance. However, at that time I was vulnerable to this comment and I put a smile on my face and went into crisis mode. I acted like I was entirely fine so that no one else would be disappointed in me for being afraid.

Just in case your are wondering - the injection really flipping hurts! It knocked me sick and I felt so bruised.

We made our way to the ward then our parent's had to leave. Aly was able to stay until 10pm, then he had to leave. I was alone. There were other women on the ward, and one of them certainly still had their husband there overnight. Someone snored incredibly loudly all night. I don't remember sleeping much.

The next day Aly returned and so did our parents. I had visits from many of my family and friends, but its very much a blur to me now. I appreciated how many people came to see me and I felt so loved, but had completely disconnected. I had a smile on my face, I remember being lively and positive, but it was an act. Inside I was crumbling. I could remember this wrongly though, like I say, my memories of that day are very blurry.

The came time for my second steroid injection and I knew this time just how much it hurt. I held tightly to Aly's hand and squeezed. He thought it would be hilarious to say "I'm sure it doesn't hurt that much" - tongue in cheek I can assure you, he certainly didn't mean it and I knew that but still I wanted to punch his lights out. This time, a different midwife, responded before I could with "Even I wanted to punch you for that comment". We all had a chuckle, which stopped promptly when the injection went in, and I squeezed the life out of his hand. Partners be warned, comedy not always welcome and may lead to extra sadistic squeezing.

10pm came again and I was on my own, my last night of pregnancy. I don't think I slept much that night either.