Raw



This pain is brutal. It is crushing. I feel surrounded by darkness. My eyes sting. My heart hurts.

Yesterday I turned 35. I’m a year older and I don’t want to be. I’m no longer the age I was when I last held her, I’m no longer the age I was when I looked into her beautiful dark eyes. I don’t want to be another year older without her. 

I’m painting the room that will become the office. We don’t have an office and my husband is working from home. He is working downstairs currently. That room should have been a nursery. I don’t want to be turning that room into an office. I want that room to have the use we planned for it. Instead I’m in there painting it, creating a clinical space for working. 

I want the world to just stop so I can get off. That’s not how this works though is it? I have to keep going somehow. I have a completely empty tank, and I don’t know how it’ll ever be refilled. 

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