Reality

Reality... originally my plan was write this blog chronologically, however, there was a weekend that had a huge impact on my emotions and I thought it was important to write about this now. On a Friday afternoon, 4 weeks ago, I found out I was the preferred candidate for a new job at work. This job is absolutely perfect for me and I am perfect for the job, it’s a huge promotion and I was thrilled to accept the offer - as anyone would be.

Now, however, events are all tinged with sadness, nothing occurs without an emptiness and a pain that doesn’t go away. I wouldn’t have this new job had I not lost Evelyn, my life at this time, due to her condition, would have been devoted to her care. This is my reality. We did celebrate my new role, it is a joyous thing to be recognised and promoted, but I wanted to share with you the truth in my heart. 

The celebrations stopped abruptly by Saturday as we were at the church to meet the stonemason. He will be engraving the stone where Evelyn’s ashes will be laid to rest. There isn’t anyone really that I know that would have to spend their Saturday preparing to finally lay their baby’s ashes to rest. This is our reality. 

I took the above photo after our meeting. It truly is beautiful there and incredibly peaceful. I look at life so very differently now. Accepting that trauma and loss I have faced is unbearable. I have to keep going and looking forward- my reality is not what I expected it to be but it is what it is. The more days that pass the further away my time with Evelyn gets and it breaks my heart. I know I will always carry her with me and I will strive to be the best person I can be in this reality for her.