6 months

This weekend marks 6 months since my beautiful baby girl took her final breath. Every day that passes moves our time together further and further away. People think time is a healer, and in many cases it is, but in this case it isn’t. The more time that passes the more the emptiness grows, I’m clinging on for dear life to our time together. My heart hurts in the most unbearable way. I would trade in everything to spend 1 more second with her, looking at her, feeling her, breathing her in. I don’t have that choice. 

We used to spend every afternoon having skin on skin cuddles, for hours and hours on end. It was our time, the best time of my life, just being with her, closing my eyes and imagining we were alone, that there was no hospital, no beeping, no tubes. I used to sing to her. I do think the trauma of our situation did affect me as so many songs I knew so well were not available to me to recall. However, there was one song, that, when I think of the lyrics, was perfect and was the only song I could seem to remember. The reason this has come to mind is that I now avoid listening to this song as it’s too painful, but this evening there was a dance to it on Strictly. I muted the TV, I didn’t want to hear it, but the mention of it brought the lyrics flooding back to my mind regardless. To me it is the most beautiful song in the world, it was our song. 

‘I hope you don’t mind, I hope you don’t mind, that I put into words - how wonderful life was, when you were in the world.’