Milk part 2 - Breastfeeding

In my previous post I told you that our little scamp had pulled out her chest drain. Oh was she feisty! However, that meant cuddles again and, in truth, the surgeons said it was preferable to have it in but if its out, its out. There were others way of checking everything was healed and leak free! The time had come for cuddles and words cannot even begin to describe the wonderful feeling of having her in my arms again.

The alternative approach is to feed her a liquid, called a contrast, and X-ray while she swallows it to see if any of the contrast is being aspirated, i.e. being breathed into her lung, and if any is leaking out of her oesophagus. I think it was around a week later that there was finally a slot to have this test. I went down to X-ray with her and I was fitted with protection so that I could stay with her, keep her comfortable and feed her the contrast. 

I just want to pause for a moment to say how wonderful all the doctors, nurses and specialists are. They supported us to be able to be directly involved with her care and that was so incredibly important to us.

The results of the test were positive. She did aspirate a little, but nothing to concern the specialists, and her oesophagus did not leak. I am so grateful that Evelyn had such accomplished surgical care. 

This meant I could start breastfeeding Evelyn. I think I could repeat this phrase time and time again... 'words cannot describe' the elation I felt. 

The 15th February would be our first attempt, planned with the nurses and speech and language therapist. I got myself comfortable, with my cushion in place, and the nurses passed Evelyn over to me. Boy did she go for it! Bless her it was the first time she had ever properly tasted milk. She had had her dummies dipped in milk, but this was something else! She was a little over enthusiastic though and very quickly she was completely drained of energy and fell asleep. So I sat there, with her asleep on my boob, feeling that things were going in the right direction. It was not to last...

Another brief pause here. Emotionally that first moment of Evelyn breastfeeding was incredible. However, I want to be honest about how it physically felt in that moment to breastfeed. By this time, due to not realising I had the wrong size funnels, my nipples were so sore. As soon as Evelyn sucked the stabbing pain didn't just manifest in my nipple, but throughout my entire breast, feeding into my chest area. It felt as if the milk pouring through my breasts was barbed. I don't want to pretend like breastfeeding is something that comes easy to any woman as I am well aware it doesn't. This moment was total bliss and worth every bit of pain.

The plan was to once a day give Evelyn one of her feeds via breastfeeding and see how she got on. The first couple she had the same reaction as the first, I think one she even didn't end up taking any milk and just fell asleep on me. Then one day she choked. When a premature baby chokes often they then forget how to breath, their heart rate plummets and you have to tickle and jiggle then to get them to take a breath. It is horrible, and happens more frequently than you'd ever imagine, especially, I suppose, in Evelyn's case with only one lung. She was breathing again, heart rate back to normal, but I had been feeding her. In my head, my fault. I was encouraged by everyone that this can happen, just keep going, which is true it can. The next day I tried again. She choked. This time she didn't rouse as quickly, she lay in my arms, her lips turning blue and the nurse and I really had to rub her to get her to breathe again. I was an emotional wreck. We stopped trying. It was too much for her due to the amount of oxygen support she needed. 

Its really difficult in the moments after to not feel like it was my fault, she choked whilst being fed by me. All I could think was I could have killed her. I would think to myself that I wanted to breastfeed, did I push it too hard? Should I have known it wasn't going to work for her? You expect that you should be the person who knows your child best. I felt so much shame. I look back and understand now that absolutely was not the case. Evelyn's condition was so rare, no one knew the best course of action. We had to see if she could feed without a tube, that would always be the preferable outcome rather than a tube. We continued going forward to dip her dummies in milk so she had the pleasure of taste as she was fed.