A Mummy’s Story

There are many things that are now hard to accept in life. Looking back at old photos is a strange one. I don’t feel like the person I see in those photos anymore. The photo above was taken at my brother’s wedding. This is one of the last photos before my life turned on it’s head. A week later I would have my 12 week scan and my screening tests would be returned as high risk. I don’t remember how it feels to be that person, she seems like a lifetime ago now. Within a year from that photo my beautiful baby girl would have spent her time on this earth and fallen asleep forever. My brain has not coped with my world changing so traumatically in such a short amount of time.  I listen a lot to podcasts now, trying to catch up with all those I missed out on over the years up until now. I really find them therapeutic, like you are part of a conversation even when you are alone. I really enjoy Happy Place, Fearne Cotton’s podcast. Many of you know I am an advocate for looking after...

It’s been a while but I’ve been battling. Battling to stay afloat, battling to understand, battling to live. Every time you step forward the guilt of doing so is overwhelming, you then take 2 steps back. Right now can I see light at the end of this tunnel? No I can’t.  It is International Women’s Day today. I see all these posts celebrating women, and it’s a wonderful thing. I don’t feel connected to it. I don’t feel I deserve celebrating. I feel like a woman who couldn’t fulfill the job her body was designed for. I look at the women and they are beautiful in their strength, courage, nature. I don’t feel beautiful, I feel defective. I look at myself and see the woman who’s body failed, and worse it didn’t fail me, it failed Evelyn. She didn’t deserve that. I’ve started to think would it be better to have it all taken away, no chance of me ever doing that to another child, take away my womb, my ovaries. Our bodies can be cruel. My first period after pregnancy came the very ...